I think we have to clear the air. Im often thinking of her and what I would say to her or even her husband, and I hope that reading your reply and Ricks post will help me to gently stop these thoughts as well. Our free Affair Analyzer provides you with insights about your unique situation and gives you a personalized plan of action. Too late for this article. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. And if they initiate contact, block and do not engage. You do not need that. If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. But thank God I know! She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. We verbalize happy and unhappy and we talk more. My errand accomplished nothing. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. Hugs all around. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. WAKE UP! This should not be and I will try to avoid expert. I did confront her. Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two? Nothing! The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. The pain seemed impossible to bear, but I am thankful to God for walking me through every second of it! You might find out what would shock you: Before you agree to meet with the other man/woman you must analyze the possibilities of what you might be told and how it might Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. WebYour spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may provide your spouse with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. I didnt even have to show her the evidence. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Anyway, Im still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. 3. This is not the last voyage you will take. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. She had chosen to trust her husband, My wife says the affair lasted two months and they never had sex, but I don't believe she is being truthful with me about that. I will not confront her. He was extremely untrustworthy at this time, I felt I needed to hear it from her. Youre just afraid to accept the facts. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. Rick, thank you for this article. Many of them come specialized in the art of 'spousal cheating', and would be more than happy to render their services and time to you, for a fee which is reasonable. 2018 Truth About Deception. Do you want to end the affair? I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. I calmly told him never to speak to my wife again. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. In the first case, desperate people can do desperate things. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. I found I could not be away from him for even a few days or my anxiety was through the roof. Your son, any pets, and yourself. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. We treat each other differently now. You haven't even been M that long! Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. Do you think that the other person has a good read on the situation? They might. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. Did you try marriage counseling? WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. Im like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. This material, and other digital content on this website, may not be reproduced, published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed in whole or in part without prior express written permission from PUNCH. But you are still a father. Regardless of I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. I thought she was not worth my time! We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. You may want to scare them by threatening to tell their spouse about the affair. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? Or am I simply deluding myself? I confronted my husband's affair partner. And i would assume a great many of things as well. This has nothing to do with each others families. I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. Any how. One more charismatic and sexier than you? At 1 year? Worked in my case, but I get why you'd advise against it. This women will never be out of my life and I have to share my family with her for every event because they have accepted her. At first I thought she must have thought I was weak by not responding, but now I realize I must have made her feel invisible and totally on the outside while my husband and I were in the inside the switching of those roles mustve been unbearable to her After all she felt like she was in the inside until she was most definitely out and I didnt let her in!!! It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. Do not fight around him or anything. I have a public image to protect. He is committed, I thank God he had awakening from this terrible mistake. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. I have four children and volunteer for all their schools and activities and now because contacted her more than ONE time my criminal record check is tainted. Tough! Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. I dont have any business with the man. Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. Like it has ended. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. Will your spouse take your side? Save. Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. E. There are better women out there. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. It really is the worst! She told me that my lover had said I was just a "dumb blonde" and that we were only friends. You have every right to feel the way you do. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. Readying it for sail again. I am dreading this. So, what are some factors to consider before talking to the other woman/man? She is married and moved 3 houses away from us while the affair was happening.She pursued a friendship with me. She is not the woman you thought she was. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. At some point my FIL will pass away and I'm sure the AP will show up at the funeral. She wants out? Confronting her would only bring more conflicts into our marriage thereby creating distance between me and my husband. Its wrong for me to engage her lover in afight in public. Yes I know she would lie to me if it helped her cause - I cant trust her - and phoning her is the only way I know to find out if the affair is over, but I cant as if it is over it would start it up again, and if it isnt I know the truth will find me in Gods perfect time. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. Wow. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. But I could tell she still loved him. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. It doesnt really matter if you confront the (lovers!). Like Robert said it really can create more issues and its not a fact that youll prove your As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? Just remove yourself from the equation. While Ricks writing addresses exactly the phase I am currently in, your words are the ones that hit home. Every now and then she reaches out to my husband, every time it really upsets me. She wanted to share everything. Do not upset the poor girl. Just what I needed to hear. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. It taught him there wasnt a limit to what I could cope with - but yes she did turn to him for comfort and played the guilt card. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. I plan to confront him when this happens, for me. You are too feeble minded to comprehend this. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. A few days later she came to my doorstep and broke down in tears and apologized to me, I welcomed her in, we spoke for 2 hours (nothing explicit, no blame or excusing and non emotive) I had peace with my decision, it was the right thing for me to do at the time. I want to call his cell this morning and say "this is very awkward for me but do you have a couple minutes. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. Cheater 101 dude. There are no secrets with her family. Moving On: When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. She vowed to leave him and told me she had divorce papers ready to go. I wanted him to know that he took advantage of a severely depressed woman who for many years was under the care of a psychiatrist for this diagnosis. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. But it became clear that it was all a lie. If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. I did exactly that.ignored the AP. As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. Insist on divorce? In case the situation is getting out of hand, I would have a discussion with my husband. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. Your identity and who you are has changed. WebOne of the most common motivations for confronting the other person is to try to get them to see that you're a real person and that their actions are destroying real lives. Do not upset the poor girl. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. I need nothing from him. I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. Copyright 2004 What she is doing is her problem, not yours. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. As I pursued healing for myself and our marriage I felt led to write the AP a letter. It's called buyers remorse. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. My wife and I are doing very well but still see him all over town daily . Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. Ill be stooping low to confront his lover in public Kemi Faleye. Keep your emotions under complete control. Don't go all vigilante on this alone. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. You deserve better. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. My H is pursuing healing, our marriage is fully restored and thriving, we are living our best lives. Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need I wonder if she's still married to my ex-lover and if she's happy. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesnt necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. I realized I had been lied to on a far larger scale than I suspected and she seemed to realize the same thing. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. My initial contact with my wife's AP was to let him know the gig was up. Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. 2018 Truth About Deception, Examples of contacting the other person . I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. What happened with you two? Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted If it happens nowwhat happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. Got a response. I wished her no ill will, I just needed her to confirm that it is as in fact over. But I would never answer the call. Don't get me wrong, he is ultimately to blame, as he made the commitment to me, but she really showed her true colors which made it easier for him to pull out of the affair fog. What did I learn that I could trust? His jig was officially up. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. Like I have won! Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. If she is Only God can make this work. For #1, your marriage might end up working out. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. Build on yourself, learn all you can, and eventually you will love again when you are ready. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. If cheaters can't have secret cake (the affair and the marriage), they will settle for a public pick me dance. But I am not vindictive. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your D-Day was 7 years ago - we're still together but things will never be the same. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. You clearly know that. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) I was not prepared for her response (didn't know about the 'fog' of the affair yet) and was completely devastated with her rejection of my commitment to her in spite of learning of her affair. I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. "Stay away from my wife!" Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. -- you're going to validate their assumptions. I never responded to her message..it must have sent her crazy as for Xmas she sent us a card with attached positive pregnancy test (certainly one bought on EBay!) That said, I would not recommend it and I won't do it again. What would you do? Through it all, however, I am glad that I've never fixated on the AP, nor have I wasted much energy in hostility toward him. Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. NEVER. I atoned for my actions. How fabulous. I divorced him and he married her. It would be good if you both didnt yell anyone what had happened. I don't blame her. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? So I planned to go with him for one of his away weeks.
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